Most children and teenagers have their moments of using behaving destructively to get their own way but when a child is persistently defying our authority, flaunting our rules, attacking us verbally or physically we are confronting a serious problem.

For our child’s sake as well as our own we need to urgently seek constructive ways to regain our parental authority. It can be difficult to know where to start but often the best place to start is with working at rebuilding your personal power and. Take some time to look after yourself and clarify what you need to do. Here are some strategies which will help you.

Become Clear that Destructive Behaviour is Unacceptable 

Hurtful actions can be confusing. The issues can easily become clouded in soul searching and self blame. The bottom line is that there are no excuses for destructive behaviour. This is the message you need to give the child in no uncertain terms. The stronger the stance you take that hurtful, defiant actions are not okay, the stronger the message will be to the child that you will not tolerate them. It is amazing how when we get this clear within ourselves the other person recognises the shift and begins to back off.

Hold the Child Accountable for His or Her Actions

Each of us is responsible for the choices we make and the way we behave. It is vital that we are clear that when our child uses hurtful behaviour he is making a choice. In the real world when we behave destructively there are certain outcomes. The sooner the child understands this reality the better. Don’t rescue the child from the consequences of his actions. Although we may mean well when we make excuses, bail our children out of trouble, cover up, tell lies and otherwise protect them we are in fact depriving them of vital lessons. They need to learn from experience that there is a price to be paid for inappropriate behaviour. This can then act as a deterrent in the future.

Stand Your Ground as Consistently as Possible

The child behaving hurtfully may put enormous pressure on us to get his own way. While it may be difficult to withstand this, it is important that you do. If you frequently allow yourself to be bulldozed into changing your ‘no’ to ‘yes’ children learn that if they hard enough they will eventually get what they want. Once learned, this pattern of pushing the limits can be very hard to break.

Seek Support

Don’t let embarrassment and shame stop you from involving other people. Gaining support is vital. Having other people behind you can give you the boost you need to restore the balance of power in your favour and help you to regain control of the situation. While your child may be able to overpower you he is unlikely to be able to accomplish this with people who are less emotionally involved. Consider contacting supportive friends and family, the school or the police. Ask them to intervene by talking to your child. Ask also for other practical assistance you may need to back you up. If your situation has escalated to the point of violence it will be especially important to involve others. It is essential that the child sees that you have back-up and learns he can’t get away with physical abuse.

Begin to Take a Stand

If we have lost our parental authority regaining it is likely to be a process that will take time. Start by deciding on one issue you will tackle. For example if your child has been refusing to come home for dinner you may decide to tell the child that if she or he is not home on time you will not keep the dinner. Having set that limit it is important that you follow through exactly as you stated. It may sound harsh to deprive a child of dinner but this gives the message that she or he will not continue to get away with her bad behaviour. People are often surprised at how quickly taking a stand can bring about a change in the other person’s response. If at the outset you feel apprehensive about your child’s reaction arrange to have a support person with you. The important thing is to stand firm and not back down.

Refuse to be Drawn into Hurtful Episodes

When someone is saying hurtful things it is second nature to want to defend ourselves. This often results in an argument which may degenerate into a verbal slanging match. Disengaging from this senseless harassment can be empowering. Make a point of refusing to be drawn into debates and arguments which are likely to leave you feeling overpowered and crushed. To set limits say things like:

– ‘I’m not willing to talk about this right now.’

– ‘I refuse to discuss this with you while you are speaking to me like that.’

Deliver the message as quietly and firmly as possible then disengage and leave the room if necessary.  

Affirm the Child for Good Behaviour

Rather than giving constant messages of disapproval try to ignore the minor incidents of bad behaviour and constantly search for positives. If a child is behaving badly it can be a real challenge to find things to praise, but this is the very time we need to. When we notice okay, ordinary behaviour and reflect this back to the child we help her to connect with the best in herself and motivate her to keep doing the things we appreciate. When you need to give feedback about unacceptable behaviour make it as clean, clear and objective as possible.

Let the child know that although you don’t like the destructive behaviour you do love her or him.

© Copyright Kay Douglas.

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