Bad Responses That Stop Abuse Disclosures
If we try to tell people we are being abused by our partner the comments people make may be unhelpful, or downright destructive.
If they minimize, dismiss, deny, or justify the abuse we are experiencing or blame us for causing it we can be left distressed by these responses. This adds to our confusion and suffering.
Here is a list of 27 unhelpful comments that people sometimes make when women talk about the abuse they are experiencing:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
“He always seems like such a nice guy.”
“All couples have their ups and downs.”
“This will blow over and everything will be alright again.”
“What did you do to upset him?”
“It can’t be that bad because you’re still there.”
“We all have our faults.”
“You need to be more assertive and tell him you won’t put up with it.”
“I’m sure he’s sorry for what he's done.”
“You are inclined to overreact; maybe you’re blowing things out of proportion.”
“You should pack your bags and leave straight away.”
“You attracted this into your life so you must have something to learn from it.”
“Why do you let him get away with it?”
“I’m sure that he doesn't mean what he says.”
“It takes two to tango; there are two sides to every story.”
“Why don’t you just stand up for yourself?”
“You chose to go back to him, even though you know what he is like.”
“Is it really that bad? Maybe you’re just being oversensitive.”
“Why are you attracted to abusive men?”
“Why do you keep changing your mind about leaving?”
“He’s had a lot of stress lately.”
“You just need to forgive and forget.”
“You’ve always had problems with relationships.”
“I’m finding this hard to believe.”
“Well, at least he’s never hit you.”
“You need to stop talking about this and do something.”
“It would be better If you approached things more positively.”
These comments show a complete lack of understanding about what it is like to be in an abusive relationship: the bewilderment, distress, anxiety, shame, and hurt that are evoked.
Blaming, ignorant comments like these leave us feeling ashamed, inadequate, and isolated. They silence us and help to keep us trapped in our situation.
Even if these comments are not spoken out loud, we can sometimes sense the other person holds beliefs like this and is viewing us critically. We can tell by what is said, and not said, that this person just doesn’t ‘get it’, doesn’t believe how bad it is, or has decided we are the ones at fault.
Then there are those that say smugly. “If my partner abused me, I'd be out of there.”
Presumably, they don’t understand that for those of us who have had the misfortune to find ourselves in an abusive relationship there is usually an agonizing, heartbreaking process to go through.
It takes time to understand what’s happening, to attempt to deal with it, and to decide what to do. It is not usually just a matter of walking away. Hope can die slowly.
Statements like these reflect a victim-blaming society. These statements have one thing in common: they don’t focus on the abusive man’s behavior; they focus on the woman as somehow being the cause of the abuse or to blame because she hasn’t been able to stop it.
In these statements, there is no expectation that the person doing the abuse be held accountable, yet he is the only person who can stop the abuse from happening.
We are unlikely to hear these types of unhelpful comments from people who have lived through the confusion and distress of an abusive relationship because they understand the overwhelm, and sense of powerlessness abuse brings.
These people know how difficult it is to fully comprehend what’s happening, detach emotionally from an abusive partner, and take self-protective action.
They also understand that it is the person using abuse who is responsible.
If we are living in an abusive, narcissistic relationship, we need to do our best to protect ourselves from the negative impact of unhelpful messages.
We need to seek out the people who understand the devastation of being hurt by someone who is supposed to love us.
These people will offer us support from a non-judgmental, respectful place because they understand.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.