Change Angry Behavior Towards a Child

August 18, 2021 Kay Douglas

It is a challenging task to bring up a child successfully. It can be deeply distressing to realize we are not being the parent we want to be, particularly if we have experienced inadequate parenting as ourselves as a child.

When it comes to parenting most of us have the best of intentions. We may be very clear we do not want to hurt our children as we were hurt as a child. When we begin with this kind of clarity we are likely to make significant steps towards achieving this goal.

Yet, under stress, we may find ourselves slipping into old patterns and falling short of being the kind of parent we so want to be. This is understandable if we have experienced inadequate parenting ourselves and internalized poor parenting models.

The important thing is, if we know we are repeating a negative cycle, we face up to that and take immediate action to stop it. Angry parenting is destructive parenting. Our children are the precious vehicles of hope for the next generation. They deserve to have the very best beginnings we can give them.

If you are struggling to break the cycle the following suggestions provide a starting point for change. If it proves too difficult to implement these changes alone you need to seek help. There is no shame in this. In fact, having the courage to seek necessary help to stop hurting children is something to be proud of.

Build Up the Relationship with Your Child

Spend quality time together, talking about experiences, sharing activities and having fun. Develop empathy and compassion. Imagine how you would feel in your child’s position and respond gently from that compassionate place.

Avoid Getting into Power Struggles with a Rebellious Child

This escalates the conflict. The more calmly, firmly and respectfully you handle the challenges, the more likely the child will take notice.

Understand that there is a Big Difference Between Fair Discipline and Harsh Punishment

Discipline implies a self-controlled lesson in consequences. Harsh punishment more often provides an outlet for the frustration of the parent. This can be damaging to the child.

Never Discipline Your Child While Angry

It’s very easy to become too punitive in this state. Imagine how frightening it would be, if you were at the mercy of an enraged person twice your size. Wait until you have calmed down and are thinking rationally before attempting to address the issue.

Take a Time Out to Allow Yourself to Calm Down

At the very least a time out consists of disengaging from conflict with the child and refocusing your energy into calming down. Ideally it involves leaving the house and taking a walk if there is someone else available to care for the child. Be sure to let people know that you are taking a time out and when you will be back. Half an hour is usually a suitable cool down time.

Learn to Manage Anger Well

There are skills we can learn that will help us gain self control. There’s a fantastic range of anger management books available. Attend a course if necessary.

Learn New Parenting Skills

There are parenting courses and support groups available in most communities. Personal counseling can also help.

Put Things Right as Quickly as Possible

If you know you’ve been destructive it’s vital to take responsibility as soon as possible. Remember the most important thing is the child’s wellbeing and safety. Change is possible; you can break the cycle. There is help available but you just need to reach out for it.

Kay Douglas: Author and Psychotherapist