Why is our attachment to an abusive partner often so strong when abuse is happening? A phenomenon called trauma bonding can help to explain it.

The power imbalance created by an abusive partner allows him to manipulate our emotions at will. He can choose whether to be cruel or kind, and his behavior is often a mix of both. He is causing the pain, so only he can take it away. This creates a strong emotional dependency and a very intense attachment, quite unlike the attachment in a healthy relationship.

 A woman I interviewed for my book Invisible Wounds described her experience like this:

“ From the beginning, I adored him. He made such a fuss of me. I had never felt so loved. Then the abuse began. Gradually, he became my tormentor and my savior all in one. After each shattering incident, I was so relieved when he switched back to being nice again. At some level, I was terrified of what was happening, but I never admitted this to myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. I told myself he still loved me. I made excuses for his horrible behavior and tried to put the bad memories out of my head. In the end, he had complete power over me, and I couldn’t break free.”

 These are some symptoms of trauma bonding. Can you relate to any of them?

Do you:

• constantly experience extreme highs and lows in the relationship;

• experience a power imbalance in the relationship where your abusive partner has the power and uses it to harm or exploit you;

• constantly look to the abusive person for validation, love, or kindness;

• feel emotionally dependent on this person; crave his love, and have intense, needy attachment feelings;

• feel compelled to reach out to the other person even though he is behaving abusively;

• constantly try to keep the peace and please the hurtful person;

• believe his claims that the relationship problems are all your fault;

• continue to desperately try to make the relationship work, even in the face of abuse;

• feel you can't let go of the relationship and leave, even though you know it is a toxic situation;

• cover up your hurtful partner’s abuse to other people;

• feel the pull of addiction to the relationship, as if you can’t do without it;

• feel excessively grateful for any attention or kindness your partner gives;

• feel almost like you can’t live without him;

• experience an obsessive quality about the relationship because you are constantly thinking and worrying about what is happening.

If we are experiencing trauma, abandonment, and or fear in our relationship this uncertainty and inconsistency is likely to increase our sense of attachment. This is a well-documented phenomenon that happens through no fault of our own. Even though it can be very shame-inducing to find ourselves responding to our partner in compliant, placating, needy ways, this is not something to be ashamed of. It is just what happens to people who find themselves in the grip of an abusive, narcissistic relationship.

We can get caught in the trap of constantly doing things to please our hurtful partner. When he finally stops his cruel antics and reaches out with kindness, we are likely to feel a strange gratitude. This is understandable when we consider how desperately we want the abuse to stop and how much we long for the happy times to return. We want to believe the kindness is for real, so we often play down just how bad the abuse was.

The abuse feels so painful that we are left craving attention, affection, and validation because it makes the pain go away. We can experience an addictive quality to the relationship because of the chemical rush of dopamine we get when good times follow bad.

Of course, it is only a matter of time before our partner switches back to his hurtful ways. This unpredictable pattern of behavior gives him tremendous power.

It is extremely difficult to let go of a relationship when we are in the grip of trauma bonding. Don’t hesitate to reach out to other, trustworthy people for support, validation, information, and practical help.

 © Copyright Kay Douglas.

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