The messages we tell ourselves have an enormous impact on how we feel about ourselves and how confident we feel about dealing with people who are mistreating us.

When we allow our sense of powerlessness to get the better of us, we often frighten ourselves by giving ourselves messages that reinforce and increase our distress. We can consciously choose to calm our fears and build our confidence by noticing and challenging our negative self-talk and telling ourselves things that strengthen us.

When you are feeling doubtful or afraid try taking deep, slow breaths and repeating positive messages such as:

• 'I have the power to protect myself.'

• 'I deserve to be treated with respect.'

• 'I believe in myself.'

• 'I can stand up for myself.'

• 'I have the right to express my ideas and opinions.'

• 'My feelings and needs are important.'

• 'I'm okay. I can do this.'

While you may not believe these affirmations at first just saying them to yourself can make you feel calmer and more in control. By consistently challenging self-defeating thoughts and repeating affirmations like these we will gradually replace old, limiting fearful beliefs with empowering new ones.

Questions to Reflect On:

• What are the negative labels I put on myself and the fearful things I tell myself about my ability to deal with controlling or destructive behavior?

• What can I tell myself that will help me to feel powerful and strong?

Make yourself a list of empowering messages. Commit several to memory and say them to yourself often.

© Copyright Kay Douglas.

“. . . the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. Outstanding!"

- Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?

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