12 Tactics an Abusive Partner Can Use to Get the Upper Hand
Abuse is power play in action. Many tactics can be used to get the upper hand in the relationship. It is important to be fully aware when powerplays start to be used.
Rather than listening to your partner’s damning words, blame, excuses, and the false explanations about this destructive behavior, it is important to see the behaviors for what they are: attempts to bring you down and get the upper hand.
That way you will have the clarity to deal with what is happening in a more empowered way, without crippling confusion, self-blame, and second-guessing yourself.
These are some of the tactics your partner may use against you:
1. He may insult you.
Nasty name calling, contemptuous comments, disrespect, and sarcasm, are all designed to offend, put you down, and undermine your self-esteem.
2. He may control you.
He may take a ‘my way or the highway’ position in the relationship, considering himself to be the one in charge and expecting others to unquestioningly comply with his instructions and demands.
3. He may criticize you.
He may try to undermine you by criticizing the things you do, chipping away at your confidence: giving you the message that you are inadequate and not good enough.
4. He may blame you.
Blaming is a surefire way of avoiding any responsibility for wrongdoing. By saying you are the one at fault the abusive partner is taking, and keeping, the upper hand.
5. He may confuse you.
Confusion tactics include: gaslighting, blame, lies, changing the story, half-truths, denial, and making wrongful accusations. These tactics can make you feel destabilized. After a while, you can feel like you are going crazy.
6. He may isolate you.
By pulling you away from family and friends the abusive partner can keep you to himself and continue to misuse his power unchallenged.
7. He may punish you.
He may use harsh put-downs, the silent treatment, shout obscenities, and/or ridicule you. He may find numerous ways to make you suffer because he believes you deserve it.
8. He may manipulate you.
He may use lies and tricky manoeuvres to get you to do what he wants. He may exploit you, play on your insecurities, or set you up in no-win scenarios to get the upper hand.
9. He may badmouth you.
He may try to ruin your reputation and turn other people against you by spreading rumors and telling lies about you behind your back.
10. He may pressure you.
He may be determined to get what he wants at all costs; mowing over your boundaries, refusing to take no for an answer, and relentlessly hounding you to get you to comply.
11. He may frighten you.
He may deliberately use stand-over tactics, intimidation, and threats to frighten you into going along with what he wants.
12. He may force you.
If all else fails he may force you to do what he wants by using emotional, verbal, psychological, physical, or sexual violence against you.
These behaviors are all forms of attack against our character, freedoms, and rights.
When we are in the midst of these kinds of destructive actions it is easy to become so confused that we aren’t able to clearly fathom what is happening. This affects our capacity to take decisive action on our own behalf.
We can waste our precious energy engaging with this confusing range of tactics, rather than standing back and seeing them for what they are.
When we stand back it is clear that this is outrageous behavior.
It is also outrageous that our partner can believe he has the right to treat us like this.
With this clarity comes the increased personal power and the determination we need to protect ourselves from these attacks.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
OTHER BLOG POSTS YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN
“. . . the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. Outstanding!"
- Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?