7 Ways to Stop Yourself from Going Back to an Abusive Relationship
If we have left as abusive relationship, building a new life can be lonely and exhausting. There may be moments when we long to give up and go back to the familiarity of our old life.
As the memories of the bad times fade, the memories of the happier times can undermine our resolve. Going back to our ex-partners can seem like a seductively simple solution to the problems that surround us.
We can tell ourselves that we would be better off, but chances are we won't be. Staying confined in an abusive relationship can be a life sentence in which the pain only gets worse.
It is during the first months, when we are just beginning to rebuild our lives, that we are most at risk of wanting to go back to our ex, even though he has not changed. We need to anticipate these moments and have strategies in place to help us overcome them.
Strategies for resisting going back
Remember how your partner’s abuse affected you. As soon as possible after leaving the relationship write yourself two bad memories list: a list of the abusive behaviours you endured and a list of the impacts of that abuse, emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially, financially, and spiritually. Re-read the bad memories lists you wrote often.
Get in touch with your healthy outrage. Remind yourself that your partner has no right to treat you this way. Reconnect with your anger about your partner’s mistreatment of you and use this energy to propel yourself into your new life by transferring your distress into positive action.
Plan ahead. Arrange to phone a friend when the urge to go back strikes. Phone her before taking any action. Have her remind you of all the reasons you left.
Talk through the feelings that are making you want to go back. When these feelings are acknowledged openly, they lose much of their power. If you have no one to share your feelings with, try expressing them by writing in a journal.
Ask yourself: “What will be different?” Your partner may be promising to change but what professional help has he put in place to help him make that change? Superficial change using willpower is not likely to last long. Real change requires addressing the internal issues and beliefs that allowed the abuse to happen and developing the capacity to use different behaviors during stressful times.
Seek professional help. Living with abuse can have huge effects. It is important that we understand fully what has happened to us in the relationship and the role of traumatic bonding in drawing us back into a toxic relationship. Give yourself time before making the life-changing decision to go back.
Focus on the here and now, not the future. When the urge to go back strikes, recognize that this is a bad moment that will pass. Do something for yourself right now that will make you feel better.
Having followed these strategies, if you still feel you want to go back, it can be a good delay this as long as possible. Remember how challenging and painful it was to leave? Rather than returning on impulse or because your ex is putting the pressure on, try giving yourself as much time as possible to think it over before putting the wheels of change in motion.
During that time, watch carefully for signs that your partner is undermining or manipulating you, review what your life was really like with him, and talk through your options and concerns with a counselor or supportive friend.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
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