Ways An Abusive Partner Spoils Special Occasions and What to Do
Some people have the knack of sucking the joy out of every special occasion. If our partner happens to be one of these people, the occasions that were meant to be special are likely to have ended up being embarrassing and distressing times. As we reflect back we are likely to be left with bitter disappointment.
Sometimes special occasions are occasions to be endured rather than enjoyed. The anticipation of special celebrations can bring on apprehension, anxiety, helplessness, and dread.
There are many ways a special occasion can be turned into a stressful event by a destructive partner. Here are some of the common ways:
Being bossy, bullying, controlling, and dictatorial.
Making snide, sarcastic, belittling comments.
Being moody, overreactive and causing dramas.
Using cutting criticism about anything and everything.
Making it all about him, monopolizing the conversation and dominating the gathering.
Baiting and provoking you into arguments.
Being attentive and nice to others while ignoring you.
Refusing to participate and/or storming out.
Promising to do things or go places and letting you down at the last minute.
Acting in inappropriate ways to get a reaction.
Giving you gifts he knows you don't want.
Getting into conflict with your family member or friends.
Setting you up to react to his behavior then blaming you for reacting and turning himself into a victim.
Badmouthing you to other people.
Getting drunk and causing a scene.
Flirting with someone and causing a scene.
What you can do about it
You can’t stop your partner from wreaking havoc if he has a mind to, but you can work on reducing the impact his poor behaviour has on you. Here are some suggestions:
Have a realistic approach
If your partner is generally behaving abusively then it is highly unlikely this pattern will be better around the time of the special occasion. Don't expect a sudden improvement. It is more likely his behavior will be worse. Any good behaviour that occurs is a bonus, not something to be counted on.
Be prepared
Reflect on your partner’s behaviour on other special occasions. How did he react? What destructive behaviours did he use? In hindsight how could you have dealt with these difficulties? Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If you expect the unexpected and are prepared for poor behaviour it reduces the element of surprise or shock.
Make a plan
Making a plan ahead of time for how you will handle the various possibilities that may arise will help you to respond decisively if negative patterns occur. What issues do you have to prepare for? What will you do if there is trouble? How will you handle it? What is the best outcome you can think of? How will you calm yourself if you get upset? Is there anyone you could call on for support if something distressing occurs?
Look after yourself
Stay connected to yourself and notice your levels of stress and the emotions you are feeling. Also, notice the tension you're holding in your body and how well you are breathing. If you are starting to feel overloaded get some space for yourself and take some long slow deep breaths and quietly remind yourself to keep calm. You can handle this.
Maintain your dignity
Emotionally distance yourself from your partner and his poor behaviour as best you can. Don't waste your energy feeling embarrassed or ashamed about it because it is not your shame. Work on keeping your cool. Avoid passing comments on his destructive actions and staunchly refuse to take the bait and get drawn into arguments or conflict. Don't try to reason with him and don't challenge him, especially in front of other people.
Take what pleasure and enjoyment you can
Make the very most of the special time. Special occasions are precious times to be cherished. Even in the midst of another person's destructive behavior it is still possible to take away some special memories and find some pleasure for ourselves.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
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