Making Changes to Your Personal Power in an Abusive Relationship
If we are living with abuse, we are very likely to want to see change.
We may long to see improvements in our relationship. We may want nothing more than to have a happy relationship and keep our family together.
Sadly, if our partner is behaving harmfully this is not something we can directly change.
Only he can stop his hurtful behavior. It is up to him to own up and take responsibility for changing it.
If he is going to make lasting changes rather than superficial short-term, damage-control type of changes, this often requires professional help. Is he up for this?
All of this raises the question, what can you change to improve your situation if you are living in a toxic relationship?
The issue of whether you should leave may be on the table. But what if you are not ready to give up and leave?
How can you create changes in your situation that are going to be self-protective and empowering while still in the relationship?
Making changes while living with abuse is a very personal matter.
For one thing, your decision to make changes needs to be made in the context of safety.
When attempting to make changes it is important to expect resistance from your partner.
It is likely there will be an escalation in bad behaviour as he tries to regain the upper hand.
Always consider your safety and never put yourself at risk in any way.
Also consider your capacity at this time to withstand the punitive, overbearing behavior that may be coming your way.
When it comes to making changes, there are two types of changes we can make: inner changes and external changes.
An inner change is often the more powerful change. It may not be so obvious from the outside, but it strengthens us from within.
If you decide to make inner changes these could include:
Deciding to name destructive behaviors quietly to yourself.
Staying consistently clear about how inappropriate this behaviour is.
Deciding to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.
Objectively observing destructive patterns of behaviour in a detached way.
Inwardly refusing to believe your partner’s gaslighting, distorted statements, and blame.
Giving up wasting energy searching for the reasons why your partner is behaving like this.
If you decide to make outer changes these could include:
Prioritizing your self-care and self-protection over your partner’s demands.
Consistently refusing to be drawn into arguments and conflict.
Deciding to leave the room every time your partner becomes loud or abusive.
Giving your partner some clear feedback about how his behaviour is affecting you.
Confiding in someone you trust about your partner's abuse.
Seeking counselling help.
Improvement in the relationship depends largely on your partner's commitment to change and his level of resistance to any changes you decide to pursue.
If your partner chooses to use power and control rather than develop a respectful relationship, he will most likely escalate his abuse to bring you into line, if you try to stand up to him.
If you are living with abuse, it may be very sad to realize that only he can make the change to a respectful, kind way of relating.
Facing this reality is important because from there you can seek more clarity by asking yourself the soul-searching questions:
Does my partner want to change?
Is he seeking professional help to change?
What does he gain from his power and control at this time?
What is the likelihood of him deciding to address his power and control issues and make a lasting change?
What is this relationship costing me?
Wishing you all the very best in your process of personal change.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
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“. . . the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. Outstanding!"
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