Is It Love or Love Bombing?
Love-bombing is a manipulation technique using intense attention and affection that is given with the hidden agenda of drawing the recipient into an unhealthy relationship. Love bombing is driven by the self-interest of the love bomber, rather than genuine affection or care.
When I was in my abusive relationship, I had never heard of the term love bombing. Now I know what love bombing is, I can now clearly see that this was exactly what I experienced.
From the beginning, I was swept off my feet. I couldn't believe my luck that I had met this (seemingly) compassionate, caring, talented, exciting, intelligent man and that he loved me.
The intoxication of having a man who hung on my every word was more than I could withstand. He (seemingly) found me intensely interesting, wanted to know my life history and (seemingly) cared about me deeply. He told me he'd never met anyone like me before, called us soulmates, and wanted to spend all his time with me.
I had never encountered that kind of charm and I had no way of understanding that I was getting caught in a deliberate web of manipulation, flattery, and seduction.
If you find yourself in the grip of a very intense relationship with a very persuasive man who seems too good to be true, here are some questions to ask yourself:
Does my partner tell me he has never met anyone like me before and declare he will love me forever (even though he doesn't know me very well)?'
Does he seem overly fascinated by everything I have to say?
Does he tell me he has never felt this way about anyone before?
Does he say he can't bear to be away from me?
Is he pushing the relationship along too fast (wanting to move in together or get married, etc)?
Does he like to keep me to himself?
Does he want to know everything about my past?
Did he encourage me to talk about the most vulnerable and painful areas of my life early in the relationship?
Does he respect my boundaries?
If I say I don't want to do something, does he back off or persist?
If we are honest, we all want to be admired, loved, and adored so we are all somewhat susceptible to love bombing. Many of us also carry unmet childhood needs. To connect with someone who seems to want to meet these needs can be an intoxicating, life-changing experience.
Our brain is flooded with dopamine - the pleasure chemical. It is difficult to think straight. We count our lucky stars and envisage a new, exciting, fulfilling life. Innocently, we open our hearts and embrace the happiness that seems to be on offer. Once we have given our heart it can be incredibly difficult to get it back.
Later when our partner begins the process of withholding, criticising, blaming, devaluing, and discarding we can be completely blindsided.
In shock at the sudden change, we search for answers to why this is happening. The love-bombing man often blames his partner for the dramatic change in his behavior. In the absence of any other logical explanation, we are likely to believe this is true. The stage is set for trying too hard to 'get it right' in the hope that those wonderful early days will return.
In my case trust died very slowly. This process was hampered by confusion, self-blame, and belief that I had somehow caused my partner’s sudden change of heart. This false belief, repeatedly offered as an explanation by my ex-partner, kept me striving to improve myself in the hope that those happy early days would come again. But those heady times were gone for good, except for the odd time when he deliberately used his charm to entice me back into the relationship. A pattern of increasing devaluing, criticism, and gaslighting was to follow.
The emotional, psychological, and spiritual effects of living through the love bombing process can be devastating. It can take a long time to emotionally disentangle and recover from this kind of toxic relationship.
The healing process begins with understanding what has happened to you. We need to know that the toxic behavior we have experienced is it is not about us. The pattern we have had the misfortune to find ourselves trapped in comes about because of the way that person is functioning in relationships and the world. It is not personal! The message that we are inadequate, and not okay is a complete fabrication, designed to further undermine our self-esteem.
When we are clear that what happened wasn’t our fault, we are on the way to healing.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
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