Deciding if Your Partner Will Change
When are we struggling in a destructive relationship the most pressing question is often: “Will he change?” This is a vital question because our future is impacted so much by the answer.
While in the turmoil of an abusive relationship it is incredibly difficult to make a clear assessment of the likelihood of our partner making a change. Often there is unpredictable, and frequent, conflict happening. Our partner’s sudden overreactions, false accusations, and unexpected attacks may be bewildering, and destabilizing.
Then there may be apologies, remorse, and perhaps promises to change or to seek help. If our partner has said all this before and nothing has changed it is all part of a confusing pattern that can leave us swinging from hope to despair.
The time between episodes of abuse is usually insufficient for recovery from these episodes. There is often no time to think straight, let alone to get clear about our situation.
Is incredibly important to assess our situation well so we can make the right decisions about our wellbeing, future, and safety, and that of our children. We also need to figure out how much hope for the future it is viable to hold on to.
For these reasons I decided to create the quiz: “Will my hurtful partner change?” This is a tool to help people to step back from their situation, access what is happening, and gain an overview of the likelihood of change. It contains 16 questions that focus on your partner’s behavior and attitudes.
Realistically, your partner’s behavior is unlikely to be perfect, but if there is a consistent pattern of power and control happening this is obviously a bad sign.
Behavior is important as a measure of change but perhaps an even more important measure is our partner’s beliefs and attitudes, as these drive his destructive behavior. For example, if your partner believes that he has the right to tell you what to do, or pay you back when he thinks you have done something ‘wrong’, then this is his justification for his hurtful behavior. While he is stuck in blame and justifications, change is unlikely.
In fact, your partner has no right to abuse you, no matter what you have done or not done. He is choosing to behave abusively, and this is not okay.
People often think change happens as if a person steps through a door. But change is an ongoing process. It requires continual commitment, effort, and focus. The learning of new skills, the changing of beliefs and attitudes, and the growing of self-control, and empathy are necessary ingredients of lasting change. And most importantly the person needs to be taking responsibility for his behavior and wanting to make a change. If these things are happening, then there is some reason to be hopeful.
If you wonder if your partner will change, take the quiz and get some new insights.
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
Kay’s latest book
“. . . the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. Outstanding!"
- Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?