Children living in an unhappy, unsafe home, our children are usually torn and confused. They adapt in many ways to cope with the situation.

Children may become watchful, anxious to please, afraid to express themselves, tell lies, act out defiantly, or become depressed. They may also have feelings of fear, confusion, anger, and shame. Their self-esteem is battered.

Many children also carry the burden of guilt because they can’t protect a parent or stop the arguments between their parents. Some are injured in fights when trying to protect family members or become traumatized witnessing frightening events.

Individual children’s tolerance to stress differs, and their suffering may be manifested in different ways. Many begin to imitate the behavior they see around them, especially that of the parent of the same sex. Boys may display aggressive, stand-over tactics, while girls may become more passive and compliant.

Some children will become overly responsible and take the role of their mother or father’s confidant, or other siblings’ protector. Some children become withdrawn and quiet. Although very different, all of these behaviors can be a result of the child’s distress.

Symptoms of a Child In Distress

• isolation, loneliness, withdrawal from others;

• excessive shyness, poor self-esteem, self-loathing;

• fear of the abusive person, watchfulness, excessive anxiety, irrational fears;

• hostility, aggressive behavior, acts of violence;

• sleep disturbances, nightmares;

• soiling or bed wetting, especially in an older child or one who has previously been dry (have this medically checked);

• behaving as if they are much younger than their age or regressing to an earlier stage of development;

• excessive over- or under-eating;

• listlessness, excessive crying (with no obvious reason), depression;

• suicidal feelings, suicide attempts;

• over-responsibility, over-achieving, perfectionism;

• fear of leaving their mother unprotected;

• poor concentration, difficulties at school, deteriorating school work;

• secrecy, dishonesty, stealing, delinquency;

• truancy, running away;

• substance abuse, self-mutilation.

Above all else, as parents, we want our children to be happy and thriving. It is terribly hard to face the fact that they may not be. We can do our best to make our children’s lives as secure as possible, but we need to remember that there is only so much we can do to protect them if there is destructive behavior happening in the home. Try as we might, we cannot create a happy home when abuse is occurring.

© Copyright Kay Douglas.

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